i finally see it

skool's startin. three more days. everyone's dreadin it. but i'm waitin for skool to start. dun ask me why. i'm just plain weird. hahaha.

new klass. new friends. new everything. just as well. my life right now is so screwed up. better to start anew i guess. i'm lookin on da bright side. maybe i might get all da hot hot hot guys in my klass. wahahahaha. eye candy. not bad. haha. i probably sound so bimbotic right now.

i'm so happy right now. i finally see it.

i really really like you

i'm glad. at least i'm movin forward in life now. three down, two to go =)

you've let me down time and time again. so why am i foolishly waitin ard for you?

i try to delude myself.

maybe meow is right.

fate is crazy.

sorry

okie i have a lot of sorries to say in this entry.

i broke da two of you up, and now it seems impossible to get da two of you back together again. i'm sorry.

i read too much into sth dat is actually nothing, and dismissed sth dat had a deeper meaning. i'm sorry.

i shld have stood in da middle, but somehow things were twisted and everything turned upside down, and i din help you in da end. i'm sorry.

i shld have listened to you and helped you, but i stuck to my own ideas. i'm sorry.

i shldn't have lost my temper with you time and time again. i'm sorry.

i made you feel so fucked up. i'm sorry.

i believed in sth dat din even exist. i'm sorry.

i let myself believe sth dat i never would have believed in da past. i'm sorry.

and i wanted to hurt you so bad. i'm sorry.

i'm such a flop.

well if what i did was right, den why am i feelin so fucked up right now?

i'm tight on cash this month. okie fine i'm tight on cash every month. but still... lol. i'm just too lazy to get my ass out dere and get a freakin job. hmmm, ppl told me to sleep ard for a few nights. what the. what a useful suggestion. haha.

how u cud bring me back to reality immediately

okie it's like dunno what a.m. right now. i'm lookin at da tv, but nth's really registerin in my brain. i'm thinkin. maybe i'm delusional. it's amazin how your words could send me crashin back to earth so suddenly.

i'm so freakin sad right now

be contented woman.

cuz's wedding

today i went for my cuz's wedding. honestly i would have skipped da whole thing if my parents din drag me outta bed. i'm not really close to my cuzs and all, but since she's my dad's god-daughter, what da hell? decided to just show my face =) lol. it was supposed to be a three day thing, and i came for only half a day. argh. parents were naggin my ear off. hahaha.

anyways i went dere, was da most simply dressed (i picked out my outfit this morning? when ppl picked dere's like one month ago), disasterous hair and dunno what also. lol. so anyways, i was dere tryin to avoid my granny, cuz if she saw my hair i swear she would have a heart attack dere and den. lol. managed to do a pretty good job of it. even my mum was worried and asked me to stay out of her way. i have a pretty bad history with her with regards to my hair. lol. but den my aunt came over and dragged me over to my granny, insistin dat i shld at least greet her. argh. after convincin me dat she wun die after seein me, i went over. argh argh argh. she made me sit down, talked abt sth in punjabi and i was like uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. i only understood half of it? my aunt had to explain da rest to me later. lol. anyways simply put, she said she wud kill me if i cut my hair one more time. lol. argh whatever. i'm not gonna take her words dat seriously. after all, she told my sis she would break her legs. lol. and my granny still made da action of slittin my throat. damn hilarious. hahahaha. my dad was so worried i'll get scolded like shit, he kept poppin over (so dat he can rescue me if she was being terrible) hahahahaha. so damn hilarious. anyways everyone told me i looked like a doll today. argh. a hula barbie doll. dey also told me dat dey felt like displayin and lockin me in dere cupboard. lol. what da hell. do i look dolly? no!!!


do i? of cuz not. lol.

my mom was beingggg such a dong today. insisted i wear heels. all my life i have never taken a likin to heels. especially five inches high heels. argh. it was like freakin high and it's a known fact i cant walk in heels. so i had only three minutes to practise. argh. but not bad, got da hang of it. survived it in da end =)




it might look low, but trust me it was FREAKIN high. lol. higher den any of my sis's heels. and she's a sucker for heels. da higher da better.

my friend pointed out today (she's a manjen) dat some traditions we follow in punjabi weddings are similar to some of da traditions followed in chinese funerals. hmm. interesting. lol. probably gonna skip da weddin dinner (parents are real unhappy abt dat) cuz i've only got two hrs of sleep last night and i'm freakin tired after da battle with da heels. lol. and yea, everyone cried at da wedding. everyone but me. argh. maybe i'm a heartless bitch? emotionless. lol. but i dun see what's dere to cry abt. seriously. lol.

why why why???

argh i am such a dumb ass to be pushed ard by you. and willingly. all this is wrong. so so wrong. argh` i'm still searchin for dat one thing dat will make me cast you completely out of my mind. but it seems impossible. really.

yes i do like you. i know it, and i think you know it too. and this is probably da first time i'm scared to tell someone how i feel. probably cuz i know this is so wrong.

i'm gettin entangled in something i dun wanna get involved in. someone please stop me.

empty

i've deleted da previous entry. i think it sounds too stupid. argh. word of da day - e m p t y .

i look at da two of you, i talk to da two of you, and da vast difference hits me immediately.

new blogskin

okie dokie got a new blogskin up =) got sick of fingernails. decided to try vintage. lol. got flashbox to work again. finally. comments people. isit nice? huh? isit? isit? isit? isit? isit?????

and yea, my hair is still a freakin disaster. my sis says i look like a freakin minah. shit.

sorry

i'm so sorry.

yaya likes me? omg.

hmmm ystd night was quite a night eh? discovered a few things i never would have suspected even existed. bLeah. lol. anyways, i'm bored stiff. and i cant wait for this week to be over. feelin so jittery now. argh. time pass.

make me feel better

i feel like shit now. same old insecurities kickin in. and i know dat talkin to you would make me feel all better. but where are you now?

quiz

okie dokie i'm doin this quiz cuz my friends asked me to do it. okie dey din ask. but dey would like to see me do it. lol.

se7en things that (will) scare me:
.bloop. bugs
.bloop. heights
.bloop. tunnels
.bloop. ghosts
.bloop. kids cryin
.bloop. rats (those FILTHY things)
.bloop. ridin in a car if da driver is below thirty yrs old

se7en things i like the most:
.bloop. what fah calls da fuji baby
.bloop. da tv, my baby
.bloop. laughter
.bloop. blue roses
.bloop. piano
.bloop. my klassroom
.bloop. candlelight chaos

se7en most important things in my room:
.bloop. my bed (duhh)
.bloop. clothes (another duhh)
.bloop. da million cupboards
.bloop. dust bunnies under my bed
.bloop. air-con
.bloop. cosmetics
.bloop. lights

se7en random facts about me:
.bloop. i cant take milk
.bloop. i hate my hair
.bloop. i have many many many sleepin positions =)
.bloop. i like to make people eat what i cook (bake??)
.bloop. i've had enough hair disasters to last me three lifetimes
.bloop. i dislike manjens
.bloop. i can lose my appetite very very fast (ask fah she's going crazy lol)

se7en things i plan to do before i die:
.bloop. get some answers
.bloop. visit venice before it sinks
.bloop. get married
.bloop. open my cafe in uk
.bloop. tell everyone how much dey mean to me
.bloop. settle all unresolved matters
.bloop. learn to like kids???

se7en things i can do:
.bloop. i can play da piano
.bloop. i can draw pretty well =)
.bloop. i can watch tv for two days straight
.bloop. i can irritate da hell outta you
.bloop. i can bitch
.bloop. i can talk and talk and suddenly shut up for da next few hrs =)
.bloop. i can laugh and laugh for no rhyme or reason

se7en things i can't do:
.bloop. i cant cook
.bloop. i cant iron my clothes
.bloop. i can't do household chores
.bloop. i can't eat beef
.bloop. i can't lie
.bloop. i can't commit
.bloop. i can't tell when people are lying (yes i'm hopeless)

se7en words/phrases i say the most:
.bloop. boo
.bloop. kanina
.bloop. fuck
.bloop. please go and get a life
.bloop. was that supposed to be funny?
.bloop. oh my god
.bloop. really?

se7en celeb crushes:
.bloop. c ronaldo (i'm already married to him)
.bloop. jesse metcalfe
.bloop. no moreeeee

se7en people i'll love to see doin this (names not in order):
.bloop. everyone i know

chalet

just came back =) we spent da whole night doin da usual stuff. truth or dare. poker. ghost stories. laughin gas. walkin ard. it was pretty nice in a way. original plan was to go night bikin, but da shop was closed by da time we got dere. too bad, felt like bikin at dat time. wasted. had a bbq too. can u believe it? fah marinated da chicken in da TOILET SINK. argh. all of us were freakin out. lol. funny. guess dis is our last gatherin eh? lol. damn hilarious. all of us campin out in da room. sprawled all over da bed. listenin to hilmi and his lameeee stories. just talkin. memorable. hahahaha. and i wanted to find out why isit dat all my friends are smokin like nobody's business. lol. hmmm. smoked. nope. nth great. what is so nice abt it anyways? really. i dun get it. lol. yayer yayer yayer. keep askin me to smoke. argh. what da hell. lol. hmmm. done some pretty shitty stuff these few days. oh well. it was pretty fun. lol. gonna miss you babies sooo much.

bonked my head in da bus. argh. was sleepin. and i can feel da stupid bump on my head til now. ouch. yes yes i know what da hell was i doin sleepin in da bus? hahaha. i'm sleep-deprived dat's why. i havent had a good night's sleep in a long while. and i was supposed to fetch my friend frm da airport today. but cuz we all slept ard six plus, i overslept. and woke up when she called me. thank god she din scold me. lol.

my parents have decided to be bitches. dey emphasize how much i'm growin everyday. argh. fine i admit i'm FAt. lol.

she's pretty lucky. she's got everything she wanted. and yet why does she think dat she's unlucky? it's weird how sometimes i think u've got everything, and you think dat i've got everything. some people are just so fortunate dun u think? dey have everything. and yet they're not contented. people. never contented with their lot. hmmm. or maybe things are not what they seem to be. bloop. it's amazing how some people are so different frm who dey seem to be. dere can actually be so much more to a person den he or she lets on. i guess what everyone sees is just their surface character. hmmm. humans are such complicated creatures.

nonsense. i'm blabberin nonsense now. yep. seriously sleep-deprived. half dead now.

thailand bloooooop

i've just been browsin thru everyone's blogs and readin abt da trip over and over again has made me think abt it. da kids will never cease to amaze me. i love dem so much. it's just so hard on da kids. losin their loved ones and all. and when finally they meet ppl whom dey truly regard as friends, everyone is separated all over again. it's really hard on dem. it's no wonder dey were cryin their hearts out on da last day. for once some people actually bother to listen to them, to play with them, to help them. everyday we would head over to da skool, and when our buses would pull in, dey would cheer and smile, cuz dey're so freakin happy.

i'm not really a community service kinda person, and yet all this has made me feel dat everything has been worthwhile (yes, even da toilets). even though we couldnt really communicate with each other, da bond was still dere. and dey have seriously touched me. da way dey hold your hand and tell you not to cry, not to feel sad. knowin dat dey probably feel worse, dey're much much worse off, and yet dey still try to comfort you. da way dey come over and hug you. these little things really matter. it really means a lot. and i think everyone feels da same way. i just dun get it. why are these kids da ones who are sufferin when dey din even do anything wrong? dey're probably da sweetest kids i know.

but sometimes it really hurts when u look into their eyes, and see all da sadness dere. and dey're tryin to act all cheery and happy on da outside. dey're just little kids, and yet dey have gone thru so much. much more den anyone of us will ever go thru. argh i probably sound so uhhhhh now. lol. what da hell is uhhhh? hahaha.

da trip has changed my outlook on many many things. da trip was fun, yes, but i'm pretty happy to be back here in a way. why? i doubt you'll understand, but it's alright. it's for me to know and for you to find out. =)

pictures in thailand

picTures part I: (millions more comin up)






















































































































































and we're not even halfway thru yet =)